Life of a fast-paced professional is demanding. You speed 200 mph whilst doing a thousand things, juggling your professional life in one hand and your personal in the other. The only time to relax is when your body’s getting sick – but so far, it’s always been mind over matter and that paid off… well kinda.

No superstar wants to make the choice between that what they love (read: career) and that what they forcibly have to put second place (read: all the rest). Unless there’s an immediate emergency or crisis outside of your work that needs acute attention – your kids, family or spouse’s well-being for example), you’ll keep on steamrolling through any barricade, achieving any goal, at any time of day – or night for that matter. 

Sure, you’re paying the price in one way or another – chronic stress, difficulties to unwind or fall asleep, one hand being virtually glued to your phone – but as long as you’re tough, you’ll keep on going. 

If you recognize yourself partly or even fully in this description, let me start of by saying that I deeply respect you. People like you are what makes the world spin faster, move forward and generate wealth and abundance. Without you guys, we’d probably still live in the dark ages. 

But let me ask you a question, just to get your busy mind involved in this article. Even though I know you’re reading it, are you really reading it? And no, that’s not the question. Here’s my question. 

In what areas of your life are you primarily indispensable? 

It’s probably easy to say you can’t be missed at all, right? But we all have 24 hours in a day and sh*t needs to get done. If not you. – who? If not now – when? This kind of mindset didn’t come flying by and settling on your head overnight. It’s possible you were the active one as a kid, perhaps you even were the kid on the block that dictated to all of your friends what to do and influenced them thusly if they didn’t comply. 

Whether or not you were one of those kids, once upon a time, there was a period on your life where you were missable; where delegating and telling others what to do and when – and the answer to this last one is always ‘yesterday – was not the status quo of your life. 

Regardless of your origin story, fact is that you’re one of us now. And this demanding life seems to never end… unless you make some changes. I know, I know, you’re doing a great job at this moment, putting your shoulders under whatever needs to be done and putting back into it. The flipside however, is that with whatever is on your shoulders, it’s hard to keep your head up and see where the path you’re on is leading you, let alone you know how to stop and smell the roses. 

If everything is part of your to-do list, do you even have the time to take a look at the other lists? I’m talking about the stop-doing list and the to-be list. Whether you’re in your 30s, 40s or 50s, running a metaphorical marathon twice a day might not be the best way to live life at its best. Ultimately, you’re running fast towards your own funeral. 

So, what can you do?

Before I answer this question, it’s good to figure out the answer to another one. One that’s underlaying the ‘what to do?’ one. 

Why Do We Do So Many Things?

It’s not difficult to understand that there are reasons for every action we take. Some of them we know – that’s our conscious brain at work – most of them we think we know – that’s the unconscious doing its magic. For most people who are like us, there are a few drivers that can be highlighted to reveal the Why’s behind the What’ in this particular scenario. Here are the most common ones. 

1. Control and Responsibility

A-players LOVE control. They need it. If you’re an A-player in your field or company, you know that only you can do what you do, because you do it best. Right? WRONG! Control is a contraction mechanism that ultimately keeps you locked in whatever and wherever it is you’re doing. Control on itself is limiting, it’s putting borders around that what you think needs to be controlled. Perhaps you might want to consider swapping control for adaptation, supervising or managing, cooperation or even outsourcing. Above all, acceptance of what is, is probably the most important one. Nothing can ever change if it’s not first accepted. The hard-to-hear truth is, that in the places you think you can’t be missed, you can. And in the places you think you can, you often can’t.  

Responsibility is a biggie. Since you’re doing so many things at the same time, you know that when you wouldn’t be doing them, things would probably fall apart. Believing that you’re the spider in the web, the glue that keeps everything together, though, is yet another belief that you’ve accepted to be true. This belief of feeling responsible for many processes and successes ultimately keeps you from doing what really needs to be done, and more importantly, being who you need to be. I know your career is top priority, but so is your relationships with your partner, kids and others who are in your inner circle. And at the foundation of it all is your health. Without it, you’d never be as successful as you are. Taking responsibility for yourself and making an inventory of the things that need to change in order for you to improve will make you the person you’re proud of to be in all facets of your life. 

2. Thrill and Adventure

Making long hours and pushing the limit again and again might give you a rush of dopamine and adrenaline. Perhaps it didn’t start out this way at first, but having manage d to translate stress, which is adrenaline and cortisol in your body, indicating you need to be alert in the moment, for something pleasurable rather than unpleasurable. Especially when there’s a reward at the end, the feelings of the rush and adrenalin kick could have become an addictive thrill that’s hard to get off from. If this happens regularly, even on a daily basis, the need for that adrenalin or dopamine rush is virtually no different from anyone who’s addicted to smoking, drinking or gambling. The sacrifice of having little to no personal life – which is often times seen as much more boring by comparison – will often be reasoned to be worth it, since there’s no way of seeing that a thrill-seeker is willing to give up their short-term fix – even if it causes long term problems in the long haul. 

3. Compensation, Pleasing, Validation and Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is a symptom of the belief one can’t be missed. That’s why someone might put in so much of their time, effort and energy, just to get the validation they desperately need. Doing more and more, and hoping for validation from others is NOT the way. When you change this limiting belief, and see yourself for who you truly are and what you bring to the table, life will reward you with gifts you never thought possible. 

If you believe what you say you do, which means that you’re the ultimate judge, jury and executioner of your own self-esteem, then you’re the only person who can say “Good job!” or not. And unfortunately, you have incredibly high standards, so you can either always feel like a failure because you always fall short on your own standards, or you can create a standard that you willingly and consciously accept – which is that you will do enough work, so that there’s nothing left to be done. And that means that you can also do fewer things and have to be more selective about the things that you do. But when you do them, they will be done well and they will be done right. 

Ego, Narcissism and Differentiation  

As I stated in my previous article about ego, the drive to feel good about yourself by comparison with others might just often enough give you the little bit of extra fuel to keep on going so you can say you’re better than your co-worker or put in more hours and are therefore more effective or higher achieving. Fact of the matter however, is that if your ego’s in the driver’s seat of your life, you’re most likely to end up unfulfilled, isolated in a home-made ivory tower and left with perhaps a few people that are willing to stick it out with you. Ego drivers are a major indicator that your need for significance is at the top. And that means, that you’ll never be satisfied and will always keep on pushing for more – God forbid there might come a day that someone else outperforms you!

We can name many more reasons as to why one would do what they do, but these four account for the vast majority of them. If we look at these four types of reasons, a similarity with the more general stated basic human needs appears. Though there are six human needs we can differentiate, the first four are personal needs, whereas the last two are more spiritual. These four needs are Certainty, Variety, Connection and Significance. 

All of the four needs are categories of reasons that explain why we do what we do, and they are either constructive or destructive in our lives. Guess which of the four needs most high achievers are using in a destructive way… Yes, ALL FOUR±

Let’s get to the heart of the matter. 

What To Change And How To Improve Work-Life Fulfillment

Whether or not you resonate with one or more of the above-mentioned drivers for being a fast-pacing career-crushing centipede, challenged by any lack of fulfillment or balance in one or more of your other life’s facets – it’s always a good time to figure out what your underlying and subconscious reasons are. Once you know these, it’s much easier to change them into something that works for you rather than against you. If it’s hard to do some self-reflection, then consider working with your coach. Someone who’s not running in the shoes you’re doing the ultra-marathons in has a better perspective in both your inner and outer game. 

In case you need a quick fix now, then perhaps these tips might give you the stepping stones you’re looking for to change constructively and have it all.

1. Reality Check

Where are you now and where do you want to be? You can fill out each of your life’s facets or go even broader by naming specific aspects within a category. Clarity is always key. You don’t want to run around like a chick without a head, going in all directions but the right one. Facets such as family, your partner or spouse, kids, health, vitality, mental, emotional and psychological well-being, and even more specifically aspects like satisfaction, fulfillment, sleep, eating habits, quality and frequency of interactions with others, material possessions, living circumstances, down-time and playtime are all good to grade from 1 to 10. Once your list is finished, make your top five, top three and number one priority. What will help you the most if you would do this one thing? Alternatively, you can also write down what it is you need to stop doing to increase the grade on any particular facet or aspect. 

2. Plan

Failing to plan is planning to fail, my coach once said. If you’re not able to go away for the weekend, perhaps you can go away for a weekend three or four months from now. By scheduling some necessary R&R in the future, you’re allowing your mind, body and spirit to move toward that specific moment in the near future where you can unwind and let things be as they are, without your presence. Especially if your job is so demanding and full of responsibility you need to take care of other people’s needs constantly, it’s a wise choice to also include yourself and focus on what it is you need. If not now, plan!

3. Vision and Direction

Whether you’re the high achiever that has the tendency to overcomplicate oversimplify things – with on the one hand way too many details which makes it easy to get stuck, or the opposite approach where things are seen too general with too few details and where you end up adjusting most of the time – in both ways change starts with a clear vision and direction of where you want to go. At the basis of this question lays the “Where am I now?”-question. Based on the reality check, it’s wise to write down those things that aren’t working optimally now, followed by a detailed description of where you want to be. These two points enable you to come up with a vision of where your direction ought to be. Don’t worry too much about the ‘How’. First step is to figure out where you’d like to see yourself in six months or a year. Often times, this clarity checklist will help you to make small changes where necessary or to create plans and strategies on how to become the person who’s living a life of work-life fulfillment. 

4. Prioritize

It may sound as one of the easiest ones from this list, but as I said at the beginning, for most high-level achievers, everything is as important as the rest. However, remember the quote from George Orwell’s 1945 novel Animal Farm: “All animals are equal… but some more than others.” In this case, are important things are of equal value, but some more than others. Truth is, you can be missed in some aspects. It’s only up to you which of those aspects you prioritize over others. By taking a bit of time to really figure out how you want to live your life, and what conditions have to be met to have, do and be the person who’s living the life you want to live, will ultimately help you to gear down on those things that don’t contribute to your ideals and overall desire to live life on your terms. If you’re not sure what truly important to you, you might want to do a value-check and narrow it down to your top five. Based on your values, after all, you’ll take those actions that align with them best. 

I know it’s not the case, but image yourself not being here anymore tomorrow. How would your organization deal with that? Would they spiral out of control and inevitably implode due to your absence of your contribution thus far? How would your family, spouse, kids or other relationships be impacted? Would you be replaceable? Would your organization or your family be for you?

To your success, 

Robert