Ego. The very essential thing that drives us all to do great things… or terrible things. Depending on how we use our egos, it can be seen and used as a tool to build or destroy the most incredible things on this planet. 

What is ego?

Ego is simply stated a ball of energy, residing somewhere within us. When information hits it, we’re going to have a positive or a negative reaction. Sure, I could use all the psychological terminology of what more ego is and slice it up according to Nietzsche’s layers of ego. But fact is, that we all have one, and it’s either working in our favor, or not.

Ego Monster or Ego Master

Now that you know what ego is, let me give you three aspects on how we use ego in either a constructive or destructive way.

Ego and Friction

I’ve mentioned ego monsters and ego masters earlier. Ego monsters use negative friction; everything they hear is is seen as something negative, whereas ego-masters use positive energy. The moment you interact with someone, you either have positive friction or negative friction. Negative friction is: Two or more egos rubbing up against each other to create a fire that burns wildly and out of control, therefore scarring and frequently obliterating everything and everyone in its path. Positive friction on the other hand: Two or more egos rubbing up against each other to create a fire that is quickly controlled, then focused to be used to create more energy, which becomes an incredible thought, idea or solution. 

Almost always when negative friction is used, discussions last longer, resolutions are harder to find, unresolved feelings and negative emotions linger on. When positive friction is used, new ideas come to light fast, cooperation and coherence grows and productivity increases. 

Dealing With an Ego Monster

Now you know that friction is inevitable, you get to choose what kind of friction you want with others, whether that’s your boss, co-worker, team, client, customer, spouse or family member– basically anyone you’re in contact with. 

If you have a challenge in the form of a person that has an ego monster moment, keep in mind that there’s no way to control them. They’re wired (and sometimes even pre-wired) to win at all cost. They will keep going until you’re in the ground. So, the worst thing to do is to retaliate and escalate the situation. If you want to remain of sane mind, still feel good after the confrontation with an ego monster and have your cake and eat it, too – here’s what you want to do:

1. Always know where the finish line is

This tip answers the question “What do you need out of this relationship?” Whether it’s with a colleague, customer or your boyfriend, chances are 100% you’re going to end up in a disagreement at one point, leaving you with feelings like frustration, anger, disappointment. Rather than to let yourself go completely and unhinge by sticking it to the other for f*cking up, keeping your eye on what it is you need from this relationship in this particular moment is key to keep your cool and move toward that finish line. 

2. Never return fire

Let’s say you’re getting cut off in traffic, and the person ahead of you nearly drove you off the road by a mere two inches; do you get angry? Off course you do! You gear up, put your foot on the gas and drive a hundred miles an hour glued to this person’s bumper to let them know they nearly killed you. I know, no one ever does this, just as much as no one ever gets insanely mad when their spouse for not being able to read your mind and picks a fight over something so small, it’s causing you to wonder whether you end up with and idiot or a moron. Rather than to retaliate and give them a piece of your mind, use the 5-second rule (or something similar) and keep your eye on the where you want to go. Instead of being an ego-monster yourself, become an ego-master..

3.  Give them a cookie

How to deal with your own ego monster moments?

Let’s presume you’re a closet ego-monster and you don’t know it (our rational is very subjective) and you have to deal with a wide scope of people – the usual suspects of customers, bosses, colleagues and spouses - How would you maximize the positive and minimize the scorching and burning?

The more successful you become, the more you have to become aware of your own ego-monster. There’s an almost undrawable line that has the width of a human hair. The line can be drawn between confidence and arrogance. Arrogance in this case is just confidence with your hands over your ears. The more successful you become, the easier it is to step over to “the dark side”, which is the arrogance side. Ego masters are confident; ego monsters are arrogant. If you want to cross-check yourself, and you don’t have a good cross-checker at home, then sit down with your co-workers or perhaps even your boss and ask what the positive and negative aspects of you are. Where do you fly off the handle and where do you keep your cool? What makes the difference in your reaction between these scenarios?

In order to get an honest answer to these questions you want to dig deep. You could ask questions like “How am I doing?” and “What are the things that I’m doing that make you mad?” Questions like “Where do you see patterns in my reactions or behavior where it’s challenging to interact with me?” and “Can you name any specific eggshell-moments when my ego is in the way of an optimal cooperation?” 

I know it’s hard to imagine yourself asking these kinds of questions with people you work with – and I know you probably spend more time with these people than with your kids or significant other – but you have to ask them if you want to become an ego master.

Keep in mind that it’s all about them. Whether you’re dealing with your boss, your client, a co-worker, or spouse, it’s all about them. Asking these questions may not be easy, but they are necessary if you want to build a strong and lasting relationship. 

It’s your ability to leverage your clear vision off of other people’s efforts, resources, time, energy and capital so you can give them what they want but never verbalize and, in their turn, they will give everything what you want.