Through the Darkest Night of the Soul

  You don’t have fear of abandonment; You are incredibly lonely inside and you hope that someone will fill that void. You don’t have fear of commitment; You were once so swallowed up that intimacy means losing yourself. You had to be something that you were not. Nobody was interested in who you really were or could become. Do not lose yourself in therapeutic language. Even though they can point the way to where it hurts, the real pain is often covered with it. Words are often distractions of the mind, only not to feel. I have separation anxiety? I'm scared and lonely. I keep my breath high so that I don't have to feel the heartache. I always have to keep myself busy, otherwise it will take hold of me, the dark void around my core. I make others happy, hoping that they will love me. In return, I want attention and appreciation. Being important, because I find myself worthless deep down. I have no separation anxiety; the cold reality is that I am flexible with my truth and values. I am not setting my boundaries because I will lose you. And I certainly don't show who I really am, because then you don't want me. I am desperate for love, but I forget my own needs. Yes, I am scared to the point of being abandoned, but I forget that I left myself long ago. That which I am most afraid of has happened a long time ago. I have fear of commitment? Perhaps. But actually I am terrified that you see through me. That you see how empty I am. I have shielded that well and disguised it under low independence and inaccessibility. My credo? I don'tneed anyone. No one will ever see me vulnerable again. From the outside, I am attractive, but you’re not allowed in, because tI'm as cold as ice. Your warmth makes me feel that cold and I don't want that, it hurts, and I don't even know how to deal with it. I have no words for that, no one has ever asked me, "How are you?" So if you get too close, I'll be gone. I disguise myself, I’m a master of disguise. Nobody will see how cold and lonely it is inside, not even me. Who dares to go through the Dark Night of the Soul, in our crazy world of a thousand and one distractions? There is always something that seems more important than thinking about your core injuries. Do you dare to go through the scorching fire of self-hatred, shame and guilt? Do you dare to turn around and look at the shadow? Do you dare to put a hand on your heart and ask yourself the question that was never asked: "How are you really?" The legend says that the Holy Grail can only be found by the purest knight. An injured king lies before the grail castle; the Fisher King. He remains wounded and cursed there forever. Healers from all over the world have already visited and have given all possible herbs and medicines. But nothing helps or will help. Until a pure knight comes by and asks: "Sire, why are you suffering like that?" You are that pure knight. Don't walk past the Fisher King, which represents your core injury of loneliness and unlovingness. Turn around. Go through the fire. Meet the shadow and ask, "How are you?" Cry. Breathe. Scream. Meet what can be met from there, from the depth. It is not a monster that must be avoided forever. It is your soul that you can fuse with. May mourn with, may cry with. The legend says that the Kingdom will become whole again. That Kingdom is within, as Christ taught us. And to enter that Kingdom, you have to become like a child. That child in us was injured. Find it, comfort it and never let it go. You have no fear of abandonment or commitment. You have a terrified and lonely child inside that can be comforted and cherished. The wound is where the Light enters, Rumi taught us. The gateway to your soul. Don't walk past it. Go inside, beyond the words and meet who you really are.